Death: Love : Surrender
Last night under the moon, I sat on ancient middens alone. Me, the wide open sky and a vastness of billions off shell particles.
I sat because I felt unsettled and unsure, disappointed and elated, tender and touched, scared and challenged. All good things.
My enquiry was, what's this barrier between me and love?
I'd sat in circle numerous times this year, and called in many magical things and my call seems to have been heard.
But do I have what's needed to RECEIVE or will I manifest the dynamics to barb the postmans package so that it gets stuck in the slot.
I'm sharing this because I don't think I'm alone.
We have habitual patterns and my world involves a partner and we are co collaborators of those patterns. How i act and my responsiveness determines an outcome, to what life and you offer me, in every given moment.
But again it's my perceptions, memories and beliefs that in micro seconds can skew the love that's available.
What's my barrier to love?
So I begin only as I know how, sitting on the freezing sand feeling the enormity of living right now with uncertainty.
I breathe. I open my arse to the ground and surrender my sphincter to let go. Here is where we hold so much fear. And I breathe into the depths below. Allowing myself to feel the thoughts, the decisions and the endless doing of my past few months. Allowing it all.
I amplify my breath to be circular, no pause. And I'm deeply curious to notice where I'm caught.
The sky is so big. The unknown so large. Can I surrender in to love. And live myself out as my expression of love. Will I allow myself to let go and trust?
Each breath is handed over to the abyss. I use each breath to take fully in, like a chalice of tomorrows, only to have to completely let it go, just as it reaches my lips. My body resonding to the sensation of fully receiving, of being held and letting go. A mini circulating death, going deeper and deeper. One we must all take. I can feel the hand on the other side waiting for me to let go.
I begin to feel the Earth. Gaia, her wide ever expanding embrace, she is huge far bigger than all of the thoughts, the loss, Covid, desires unmet. She is solid and eternal and the universe is there holding her. Holding me in this moment alone.
But can I fully trust?
What are my barriers to love I ask? To live life as love?
I utilise techniques. I change my breath to where I feel caught. I move my attention and breathe into the back of the heart for my in breath- to fall into the holding here and it hurts.
I feel the pain, the hurts, the disappointments, the lack of trust I have, my body trying to keep me safe. And I keep going and breathe out and rest into the sensation of trusting the unknown.
I feel the chains of little events, big events in which I wanted love and it wasn't there. I couldn't trust. The hands and the body attached to the broken agreements, didn't show up. We've all had those.
I feel my birth. And its exquisite and painful at the same time. But I keep breathing, moving, crying. Noticing the sky, the dunes, the stars, the ocean sounds and I sense humanity.
Can we live each moment dying and being reborn again and again? Can we live from.this place and be content, the Earth is suffering, we are suffering.
I can feel too, that The universe is right by our side, smiling and not giving a fuck at the same time.
So then what are your barriers to love? Will you allow yourself to fall in faith into embrace?
This is my journey
Leaning in. 🌏💖⚡
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