I'm not attracted to my partner, what should I do?
Updated: May 23
Ahhh, the irony of a good relationship, is that the qualities of sameness, shared values and common goals, can signal a lack of sexual polarity.
Sexual spark, known as polarity is based on difference. It's often when we are most different to our partner that we have the greatest arc of attraction. And when we have attraction combined with obstruction- unfortunately the reality of being in a relationship IS their availability, consequently the obstruction isn't present.
Two individuals that have a lot of sexual attraction will often be because there is a polarity of energy on different ends of a spectrum. A woman with a very feminine essence will often attract a man with a strong masculine essence.
But difference is not usually compatible for a relationship to last.
It can be very challenging to face this difficulty with a commitment to re-spark the sexual energy. I would suggest if you are in the early days of your relationship and your gut is telling you that you have a significant issue of lack of attraction, it would be bad news to over ride your Body.. This can get you into a tricky position of resentment, shaming and denegrating your partner and create misery long term.
There are ways to spice up your attraction and the first way is SPACE.
Yes, give each other a break, distance will often make the heart grow fonder.
Do something that shakes up your energy by trying something new.
New can be a new lover introduced into the couple, a new wardrobe, a new regular dance class, a new career you feel empowered in.
DROP the RESPONSIBILITY
Relationships with children will often require alot of responsibility. Many couples work full time, many women lead fairy masculine lives, dominated by decisions, goals, doing and planning- these are masculine qualities. Likewise many males these days are pulling their weight in house responsibilities and child care.
This is a great killer of sexual drive. Find ways to support each other to have time to re-caliberate. For women, we need time to find the energy for sex. A tense body is fairly unresponsive to sexual advances, unless a man can penetrate her with love, tenderness and humour and ravish her so she can forget that she is a mother, but a devine woman.
If you keep having sex in the same way, with the feeling you can predict what is next, then pushing yourself out of your comfort zone is very necessary.
Give yourself permission to talk about your deepest fantasy and be willing to open up and hear your partner's knowing it is a fantasy.
Try the 3 minute touch game. It is so much fun and helps to bring generosity to what you want and to what it is your partner wants in that moment. Each time you play something new can arise. GO SLOW, stay away from the genitals for a few round to build up the sensual play.
What's your safe zone? Do you always want to surrender? Do you prefer to dominate.
My relationship is challenging because we both have a fairly feminine essence, don't get me wrong, my husband can be quite masculine in areas of his life. Your essence is YOUR essence, and it is innate and won't change dramatically.
But you can shape shift into other energies by emulating the qualities of certain deities or gods/goddesses. Ive had a major renewal by invoking Lillith into my sex life. She is fierce and knows what she wants, she has a strong sexual drive and commands respect and has a quality of strong sexual eros energy.
Another way to do Archetypal play is to find great music, or a music video and dance to the music and let yourself drop into character. Imagining that your most seductive sexy partner (whoever that might be) is watching. And awaken your sexual drive.