I'm walking a new path. I've taken one all mighty step and now I feel like jelly on a plate.
I can feel myself growing in fear. I'm telling myself it will be ok. But I'm being screamed at from below.
My message is: Listen to your gut.
When your mind races from yes to no, to yes again. When you are feeling way out of your comfort zone and your heart is racing from the anxiety. Listen to your gut.
I've taken on a challenge. It is pushing my boundaries. It is pushing my beliefs around love, and attachment. I'm working at a process to expand my heart's generosity and exploring the meaning behind touch, depth & intimacy in my relationship.
I'm out of my comfort zone.
Newness is not unfamiliar to me. I don't think I avoid challenges, I have an open mind to expanding my self belief, my world view and exploring people, places and scenarios that bring me greater courage and joy.
So then why am I feeling so out of sorts?
My body is giving me tell tale signs of stress. My heart races, it's jumping out of beat, I'm struggling to think straight at times and my mind is swinging towards fear more than it is hanging out in love. And the worst thing is fear is starting to feel more familiar.
My biggest signal is my gut.
I'm feeling low grade nausea, my bowels are loose and I have lost my appetite.
I place my hands on my gut and tell her, it's going to be ok.
"No she says, I don't feel safe. I feel powerless."
"You've got this, be fair, you can do this". I say back.
The gut is considered our 3rd brain, our centre of power. Our feeling centre for the survival emotions. It is the centre of our sense of significance and existence in the world. It houses our immunity, 70 % of our immune cells exist in the gut, protecting us from 'threat' from foreign entities.
So I write down my list of positives and negatives in engaging in this situation. I speak to close friends, I ENGAGE my mental health strategies quickly.
"You've got this", I tell myself.
And still I swing from calm to calamity. Meditation becomes my greatest medicine. And I gorge on sleep, where my dreams paint a clearer picture.
So I sit and listen to my gut.
What are you trying to tell me?
What do I need to feel safe? What are you fearing?
I write down the list and I see there are too many variables, too many unknowns. I'm relying on the sensibility of other people involved. My gut remembers this fear, it played too long in a position of exposure to too much vulnerability, once before. It's giving me warning signs to be careful. I know that much of this is based on the assumption of what might be happening or might happen, so I carefully get information, to become clear.
Information is power. Information tackled with a clear mind, open heart and centred belly is our directive for action. Information processed through fear and hurt can become fuel for anxiety.
I reach for a higher perspective, I try to calm my belly to no avail.
In the end my gut screams STOP! And I feel I need to secure my safety and regain my power again by pressing Stop for now. It might be a pause, I haven't given in to fear completely.
I decide I can take baby steps in this decision. I need to re-clarify what the purpose is of this undertaking and how it will benefit each other.
My gut starts to settle. I feel like I have greater sanity again. I spend each day in meditation and asking for the universe to expand my limiting beliefs and to open me to a higher perspective of love. With this I pave the way for our next step, on the foundation of clarity and trust, but for now it is time to recover and restore my sovereignty and my belly.