Updated: Dec 25, 2020
I lost my jade egg recently, but my partner had found it in my room. He teased me with a game of hotter, warmer, colder in my very own egg hunt, searching under furniture, in drawers until I was red hot and found it. It was a lot of fun.
It reminded me how incredible language is. And that there are so many way we can use communication as a lubrication in relationships.
Whether you are with a new fresh lover, or a long term partner, communication can lubricate up the driest of situations.
I like to think that my words, breath, murmurs and moans are little like the game I played with my jade egg. Helping to communicate what I'm feeling, wanting and desiring. The more comfortable I've become at speaking up about my turn on's or offs, the more my body can freely run orgasmic energy and the greater pleasure I've been able to create with my lover.
Our words, requests, sounds and movements help lead into or away from- the type of touch, the pace, the angle, the depth and the deliciousness of what we want in our sex.
Too often people are tolerating stuff in their lives and building up habits and sexual scripts that can play out for YEARS. Not speaking up about your needs, builds resentment and widens the gap in our intimacy.
Being comfortable with and proficent at communicating your needs is a fricken turn on. As is speaking your truth, your vunerabilites and dreams.
Clear communication is fucking sexy. Honest, respectful communication even more so. You can play widely within clear spoken boundaries and desires.
Here's another example of a recent exchange.
"Hey honey, thank you for being so patient with me lately, and reaching out in gratitude towards me today. I love you, life is certainly always exciting with you". This is my latest text from my partner today, after I left a message to him, thanking him.
Communication is an advanced human development unique to our species, however the basis of communication is not through words that we speak, but a much more exquisite and refined form of communication, through a route in the nervous system related to the vagus nerve, known as the Ventral Vagal System.
Here, communication is embedded deep in our more recent mammalian brain through vocal tone, intonation, facial expressions, heart rate variability, breathing rate and how our eyes and mouth move.
The unsaid, face to face is delivering a huge amount of information. Now add all these other nuances and we can co-create a succulent space of safety and care.
When we take the time to actually be in connection with another human by choosing to direct our attention from our heart space, out towards another, we open up a frequency of safety, care and possibility. By doing this we are tuning in to their needs, wants and desires and the state of how they are feeling about all of this, is a powerful skill we all can learn, that helps navigate tricky terrain in your whole life, not just your personal relationships.
These days, we are moving very quickly into the paradigm of online chatting.
Humans have NOT got the biological hardware to cope with this kind of communication day in day out. We simply have not developed the skills to navigate online communication in our nervous systems. COVID taught us that. Humans need face to face communication.
Which is why, we need to develop emotional intelligence in our written language to build intimacy as best as we can.
I have failed at protecting myself over the years, communicating intimately over text and it still today can trigger a flight/ freeze response in me, if I allow a situation to go awry online.
But we also have a means to do online communication well... here's an example.
"Hey beauty, I've noticed you've been a little under the pump lately, I want you to know you are doing an amazing job and I love you."
This little sentence has all the precursors to great sex tonight. Why?
Because it addresses a number of human's needs and speaks directly to the lived experience that this person is going through.
Let's break this down.
Firstly I've started with a line that tells my lover, they are signicant to me. Significance is one of the core human needs. As is security/safety, variety, (significance), love & connection, growth and contribution.
I've also thrown in a ode to 1 of the 5 love languages from Gary Chapman's famous book of the same name, by starting with 'Hey Beauty' , I'm using a 'words of affirmation' to show my love through affection in the written word.
I've taken the time to show I've noticed how they're working hard and I'm feeling into the stress my lover is experiencing at this time by acknowledging 'you are under the pump lately'.
If you want to engage in any form of sexual or intimate heart felt relationship, you are going to need to be GREAT at being aware of what is happening in the moment with your significant other.
Notice how in this circumstance I'm not asking if I can help my partner but instead, I'm empowering them to reclaim their strength and keep on going. Certainly I'm available to do that, but I'm also aware to know when to allow his masculine to step up.
We all like to know that even on our off days our partner has our back and remembers our light even if we have forgotten.
Sending messages out occasionally to our lovers/ partner is that little extra piece that makes the difference to a loving caring relationship.
The most intimate act we do as humans is to allow another person INTO our body. Think about that... it's not wonder that to do that well, with the right amount of playfulness, care and respect we need a signifcant level of genuine care.
A stressed human, is coping with the simple act of survival, even though these day's it is unlikely to be about a life and death.
A stressed human won't always have the emotional availability to quickly respond to a request for sex. So here's where loving, clear communication supports the unwinding of a challenging day, before you hit the bedroom. Combine that with SLOWING your touch right DOWN and you'll both be juiced up for some yummy healthy healing play.