I'm going to talk about KINKS: a different kinda kink.
24 years in a relationship...I'm always observing how I open and close. When am I most juicy in my relating to others? When am I not?
What creates CONSTRICTION in our body?
If you want to constrict your sexual energy and intimacy with a partner.
Hide your truth about that disappointment.
If you want to have habituated sex, that lacks creativity and ends quickly.
Crack the shits and stew.
If you want to experience your nervous system go into freeze and bypass touch that feels uncomfortable and thrusts that register as emptiness.
Let that difficult conversation pass.
Every time we evade challenging dialogue with our partners, we build a kink in the hose.
When we allow our boundaries to be broken, to keep the peace, and soldier on.
Our bodies dutifully keep a score.
Granulating deposits in our energy body, and physical structures, building lack of trust, eroding safety between each other.
The body adding them up.
And you'll find, that this intricate system of responsiveness, will take action and respond beautifully to manage the constriction.
It will take energy from other places, to move around the kink and shut down pathways elsewhere.
And so our body struggles to get juicy in intimacy.
The 'Let down' in our emotional world translates as lack of 'Let down' in our hormones, circulatory system and lubrication system.
We so often underestimate that we are the gate keepers of our genitals and those that violate our trust, hinder our opening in bed and constrict our orgasmic flow.
But that self violation also occurs. When we've shut down from our internal cues and fail to take action, to create mutual understanding when we've been triggered, betrayed and hurt.
It's important we constantly establish the conditions in our relationships to help us feel respected and cared for.
These are unique guidelines for every couple. Working through things within a timely manner is necessary for healing.
Not all of us are good at holding ourselves under conflict, if we've not been modelled how to do it well or we've experienced violence. And so we might not speak up about our needs, or truly express our primary emotion.
Which is why I'm big on practices that help ease the kinks out of the hose. That can give us immediate feedback to our environment, so that we are alive to the signals of our bodies and the interception of the stuff that goes down in our relationships that piss us off.
Practices and Pleasure based thinking, that gently care for the nervous system, to help widen our sensuality and joy.